An October Tragedy? June 30, 2008
Posted by glabwrites in 9/11, Barack Obama, Big Mike, Conspiracy Theories, Cubs, Dr. Strangelove, George W. Bush, Iran, Iraq, John McCain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Michael G. Glab, Neo-conservatives, New Yorker, Seymour Hersh, War Fever.2 comments
I’ve been moaning to everyone I know that my heart will be broken this fall when, after the Cubs reach the World Series for the first time in 63 years, they will be beaten by those no-good, dirty lousy schmucks from Tampa Bay, the Goddamned Rays.
Yeah, yeah. Funny and ironic, it’s a scenario that plays in nicely with any good Cubs fan’s dearly-held mystical narrative of catastrophe. But you know what? I’m even more afraid that this coming fall promises a far more real and serious heartbreak.
President Ahmadinejad inspects Iran’s bomb kitchen
Seymour Hersh in today’s New Yorker writes that US military special operations have already begun in Iran, laying the groundwork for the shoot-’em-up that’ll be Bushie Boy’s farewell gift to the world. The Bush administration came into office salivating for Iraq. After the events of September 11th, 2001, the gang decided to remake the entire Middle East. The neo-conservative wonk-bullies who made up Bush’s inner circle saw their mission as quite nearly divine – to conduct a modern Crusade to rein in rampant Moslem fundamentalism and make the world safe for oil billionaires.
Now, at the end of what is without a doubt the nation’s worst-ever presidency, Bush and his croaking toads seem to want to finish the job. The whole thing makes a lot of sense, if your moral position resembles that of Dr. Strangelove. Radical Moslem fundamentalists, we all agree, need to be, well, neutralized. The attacks of 9/11 were so fortuitous for the Bush gang’s long-range plans that conspiracy theorists couldn’t help but adding two and two and coming up with a gazillion. And with China and India suddenly becoming huge consumers of oil, it’s imperative that the Middle East’s black gunk be controlled by trusty fellows who pay more heed to the value of the American dollar than to the writings of the Koran. Finally, an impending war around election time favors the candidate who’s a decorated war veteran and not a martini-sipping wall-leaner.
Future candidates: McCain in uniform, Obama in the library.
I hope I’m wrong. I hope the worst thing that happens in October is a Tampa Bay rally from a three-games-to-one deficit to win the World Series over the Cubs. But this is George W. Bush we’re talking about. Expect the worst.
Big Mike
Better Look Under The Cushions March 28, 2008
Posted by glabwrites in China, Department of Defense, Dmitri Kissof, Dr. Strangelove, George W. Bush, Helen Caldicott, Hu Jintau, Hydrogen Bomb, Merkin Muffley, Michael G. Glab, Nuclear Weapons, Robert Gates, Stanley Kubrick, Taiwan, Terry Southern, War Fever.add a comment
Nice to know someone in the upper reaches of the US Government actually gives a damn about a few thousand little things like America’s arsenal of nuclear weapons.
Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense, today ordered an inventory of the nation’s nuclear stockpile. This comes in the wake of a couple of embarrassing incidents wherein, well, we, hee-hee, sorta lost some of our bombs.
Yikes!
President Muffley: Now then, Dmitri, you know we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dmitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well, now, what happened is, uh, one of our base commanders, he had sort of…, well…, he went a little funny in the head. You know, just a little… funny. And, uh, he went and did a silly thing.
Hoo, brother! How prescient were Terry Southern and Stanley Kubrick when they wrote the screenplay for Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb way back in the early 60s? Kubrick originally wanted to make a serious drama about a nuclear nightmare. As he wrote, though, he found that the only way he could treat the topic was with black humor.
Mr. Gates, it seems, has inadvertently revealed that the DOD is a hotbed of the inkiest of buffoonery.
Last August, a US Air Force crew flew a B-52 fully armed with nuclear weapons from North Dakota to Louisiana. And, well, the funny thing is, they didn’t know they had the bombs on board!
Then, back in 2006, we – The Good Guys – shipped a package of nuclear warhead fuses to Taiwan. See, we were supposed to have sent a shipment of helicopter batteries to the little nation that China considers a breakaway province. By and by – actually some two years by and by – Taiwan started asking about the helicopter batteries they were expecting. US and Taiwanese officials talked for months about the shipment and then – boing! – somebody figured out we’d accidentally sent them pieces of hydrogen bombs.
China, itching to get into a fight with anybody who even dreams of helping Taiwan become independent, has raised a stink. A flack for China’s Foreign Ministry spoke of possible “disastrous consequences.” The Chinese president was steamed.
This morning, President Bush found himself picking up the hotline, like his fictional counterpart Merkin Muffley, and tripping all over himself trying to explain the mistake to Chinese president Hu Jintau.
President Bush: Now then, Hu, you know we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Hu. The hydrogen bomb. Well, now, what happened is, uh, one of our privates working in the warehouse, he had sort of…, well…, he went a little funny in the head. You know, just a little… funny. And, uh, he went and did a silly thing.
I wonder if Hu Jintau was drunk, as Premier Kissof was in the movie. I’ll bet Bush needed a stiff belt after that conversation. Oh, wait, Bush is off the wagon. Or is it on the wagon? I always forget.
Anyway, now Secretary Gates has ordered an inventory so we know precisely where our bombs are. Let’s see, according to best estimates, the United States has just under 10,000 nuclear bombs in varying states of readiness. Of that number, about 58 percent are in position to be used to light up the skies. That’s just a tad more than 5700 nightmare sparklers loaded, cocked, and pointed at cities in China, Russia, and a passel of other burghs in countries with whom we profoundly disagree on religion and the price of a gallon of gas.
The destructive power of all our ready bombs is equivalent to 1,430 megatons of dynamite. That would be 1.4 billion tons of boom. Let’s go a step further: that translates to nearly three trillion pounds. Trillion. How big is a trillion? Sheesh, there are some 400 billion stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. That ain’t even half a trillion stars.
Gulp.
Suffice it to say we can burn the toast of every man, woman, and child on the planet. There are 325 metropolitan areas in the world with populations of at least 1.46 million. Surely, the United States has enough megatonnage to ruin everyone’s breakfast in all those cities and more. The famed anti-nuclear activist, Helen Caldicott, MD, once estimated that there were enough nuclear weapons in the world to blow up every urban center with a population of at least 10,000. And that was more than a quarter of a century ago! As the biggest and baddest superpower left on Earth, the nuclear stockpile of the United States figures to be big enough to vaporize the lion’s share of those cities and towns.
I’ve always wondered what money must mean to a billionaire. I know that I’m fairly ruffled when, say, I lose a twenty-dollar bill. If Bill Gates or Warren Buffett drops a Jackson on the sidewalk, the loss couldn’t possibly mean the same. Can it be that’s how the United States military looks at all its nuclear weapons? Ah well, a bomb here or a bomb there; don’t worry, we’ve got plenty more where that came from.
Of course, that’s how I’d assume the generals and the admirals in a world like that portrayed in Dr. Strangelove might act. But in this world, the real one, I’d have guessed that nuclear bombs would be, you know, accounted for.
Then again, perhaps the real world is as full of black humor as President Merkin Muffley’s.
Next time,
Big Mike
